Death Neon Genesis Evangelion Oneshot
by JMech
Summary: *SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 24* This is a one-shot about how the episode ended and what happened afterward. This is from the perspective of Kaworu. No specified pairing.


_**Death.**_

_A Kaworu Nagisa one-shot. _

**Note: **I do not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or its characters.

*SPOILER* This is about the end of episode 24, and what would happen afterwards. Though it is true that Kaworu and Shinji love each other, that does not necessarily mean it is romantic. Interpret it as you may.

We stare at each other for a long time, Lilim and Angel. His eyes pleading desperately, begging me for another way to resolve this. Me smiling warmly, reassuringly, trying to convey my feelings to him. Yet still, he hesitates. I understand completely. Shinji is such a fragile, compassionate human, and I love him for it. It is what made me come to this decision.

And so, here I am, grasped in the giant hand of the Eva Unit 01, the weapon that is half mecha, half humanoid, created from the very flesh of Adam and piloted by none other than Shinji Ikari. I am a mere nerve impulse away from death. The thought neither saddens nor frightens me. After all, this is what I wanted. I would much rather die a death of my own choosing than live on endlessly without a purpose. And what better way to die than by the hand of my love to protect that which I love? Yes, I will embrace my death.

As if reading my thoughts, I see Shinji's eyes clear as he comes to his decision, though it agonizes him. My smile grows and I silently thank him and apologize for all the pain I have caused him. Then, he sends the signal.

I can tell Shinji tries to make my death as quick and painless as possible, but it takes all of my willpower to keep from screaming out as the Eva's hand crushes my body. For Shinji's sake, I will smile as my spine snaps and my ribs cave in on my organs. As my arms and legs break and blood gushes from my mouth. I keep smiling, because I want his last image of me to be of my smile so that he is comforted, so that he knows that he has done the right thing. My final act in the living world to protect his sanity.

The Eva releases me and I plummet down through the air. I can't feel anything anymore, either because of my severed spinal chord or because I am dying. As my eyes fall closed I feel as though I am flying, falling like this. My smile is still in place, though I don't even have to try anymore. My muscles are beyond function. I could have fallen for a minute or a fraction of a second, but I fade out before my body impacts with the water below. My final thought is that I can hear the song, _Ode To Joy_, playing. But of course, it's probably just in my head...

.

. .

. . .

. . . .

. . .

. .

.

I never considered what it would be like to be dead. I was so intent on what was happening in the present that it never once occurred to me to stop and wonder what would come after death. I could spend forever trying to explain what it's like and you still wouldn't be able to imagine it. There is nothing but my thoughts and memories. If I try to think of nothing, I see nothing but darkness. I feel no warmth or cold. I don't even know if I have a body with which to feel anything at all, let alone temperature. I _think_ I have a body. It seems like it. But it could just as easily be an illusion caused by my inability to fathom existing without a body.

Existing?

Am I existing?

Does the fact that I'm experiencing this limbo of darkness and thoughts really mean I'm existing? By all logical means I shouldn't exist. I shouldn't be able to experience conscious thoughts or memories. I'm _dead. _Gone. Or maybe this _is _death? There's no way of knowing and no sense of time. I could have been here for minutes or hours or days.

Or years.

I wish there was some way of knowing what's happened since I died. Have I truly made a difference by dying? Have I saved the Lilim? Or was it all in vain? Has the Human Instrumentality Project ensued regardless? I don't even want to consider that possibility. The very thought that I have failed and humanity has fallen torments me.

_Shinji..._

Is he still alive? Is he well? I hope my death hasn't hurt him too much. He really is such a gentle person. He feels pain so easily. I wish I could tell him not to feel sad for me. I wouldn't regret my decision for a minute, I _wanted_ to die for him and the Lilim.

I feel as though I am smiling as my mind calls up the image of he who I hold so dear. It is my wish that I will see him again, though hopefully it won't be for a long time. As happy as it would make me to see him, I do not want him to join me in death so soon. Assuming my death was his salvation, I expect him to live out a full life without regrets. And not just him, but all Lilim. I, an Angel, could never truly appreciate a life that would last forever. All things worth loving must eventually come to an end, just like a piece of music.

If all has gone as planned, life is still going on without me. The symphony is still playing and the piece is not yet complete. It will keep going until the final violin falls silent.


End file.
